Two Bottles and a Cigarette
by SandraD
Summary: Based on 'Into the Woods'


This morning, when I woke up, I knew beyond all doubt that this would be my last day. Don't be surprised. I am sure everyone saw it coming for years. It became obvious to me, finally, when Anya walked out the door. Still, I thought I could survive. I forced myself to continue my life as if everything was okay. I know that it was for the sake of my friends. I also know that it was a useless battle. I was bound to lose. I always do.  
  
So. You want to know what happened to Anya? Right after I had poured my heart out to her, telling her that I loved her so much it hurt, she kissed me softly and said goodbye. It was simple, really. Something precious had been  
  
returned to her. Something more precious than me, apparently. Yep. You guessed it. She got her power center back. D'Hoffryn came while I was out trying to put some sense into Buffy's head about Riley. I still wonder if it would have made a difference if I had been home. Somehow I doubt it, though. That's the way my life has always gone. Love and lose. I suppose the fact that I was used to it is what allowed me to live past that day. And I did. Live. And I wish that I hadn't.  
  
Once she was gone, I started to notice the differences in those around me. Sure, it was obvious that they felt sympathetic. Hell, you could cut through the air with a knife when we were all together. That's when it was most obvious. I would sit there in the magic shop in the same seat as always. There would be an empty seat beside me. Never filled. Even when there was standing room only. No one ever took Anya's chair. Willow and Tara would hold hands and try so hard not to look utterly happy. They did that for me, ya know. Didn't want to make me uncomfortable. It didn't work. That was actually worse than watching Buffy and Riley making up. Yes, she was able to stop that chopper from taking off with Riley in it. I'm glad for her. I meant every word I said to her that night in the warehouse.  
  
But between my favorite witches trying to make me feel like part of the gang and watching the free-for-all the Slayer and ex-commando were putting on.all I saw was how alone I was. And how little we all knew about each other anymore. THAT little fact was the hardest to face. Here were my best friends. Specifically Willow and Buffy, of course. The three of us have seen everything together. We have fought all kinds of evil in the years we have officially been the Scooby Gang. And when I say that, you *know* I am not exaggerating! But we no longer know what makes the others tick. The bond we had as kids died somewhere. Like so many vampires, it just turned to dust.  
  
What about Giles, you ask? Why do you ask about him? Oh, I get it! You are among those who thought we had a father/son thing going on, right? Sorry to disappoint you but that never existed. To me, he has always been the stuffy, tweed-wearing, Brit. G-Man. To him, I have always been (and will remain) the nothing special, errand and donut boy, teen tagalong. The Zeppo. No offense, but you really need to take off your happily-ever-after rose-colored-glasses.  
  
The one person who might have been able to pull me out of this funk is gone. Not that there was ever anything special between us, but Spike always seemed to know what to say. Could make me see past my own miserable life just by pointing out how much worse his was. And you know what? He was right. That's the only reason it worked. If he wasn't so obviously destroyed by everything that has happened to him, it may as well have been any of the others telling me *their* lives sucked. But what Spike said was real. I could feel it. Almost reach out and touch his pain.  
  
Why did Spike leave? I thought that was obvious. When he found out that Riley had stayed for Buffy, he couldn't face either of them again. Sunnydale is too small a town for people *not* to run into each other. It was bad enough that he had told Riley about how he felt towards the Slayer. But when all hope was lost, because of the couple's reunion and mutual forgiveness, it became too much for even the Big Bad to deal with. So he had Willy arrange to have his DeSoto driven back to town, packed up everything he owned and left. No 'goodbye'. No 'hope you all rot in Hell'. Nothing. Just left.  
  
You know what surprised me the most? Spike leaving hurt almost as bad as Anya. How's *that* for crazy?! I'd say it was wacky but Willow said love makes you do the wacky. And there was no love lost between Spike and me. Was there?  
  
Now for the part I find so funny. It was Spike leaving that brought me to this point. Me! Xander 'I am *NOT* gay' Harris. I still remember the day that Larry told me he thought I was gay after he came out of that proverbial closet. There was no way on Earth that I could possibly be even a little bit bent! But I think I have learned something important because of this. I don't think love has anything to do with gender. I think that the labels given to so called 'same sex oriented' people were given by those who chose never to understand what love really is. And what love isn't. Love is all-encompassing and blind. Love isn't prejudice. And it can't be controlled. Love just *is*!  
  
And I can admit to you what I have finally discovered because *you* aren't here. You can't tell my friends that they need to have me committed. So, in these last few moments I have here, I will admit the one thing that has finally taken me over the edge. I, Alexander LaVelle Harris, love William the Bloody. I don't want you to think that this realization is why have finally chosen to end my life. Not that. Never that. It is for the simple fact that I let him go without telling him. That I know I will never see him again. That, even if he laughed at my feelings, I will never see those brilliant blue eyes again. And *THAT*, my anonymous friend, is well worth dying for.  
  
So, here I sit in my nice apartment. The one I got because Anya wanted it. I am in my living room sitting on the floor leaning up against the couch. In one hand I have an empty sleeping pill bottle. In the other hand I have a third of a bottle of Jack Daniel's. There is a lit cigarette in a saucer in front of me. I know what you are thinking. Hey, since when does Xander smoke?? Never, until now, actually. But thanks for being concerned about the dying man's lungs! I'll make sure to buy the patch tomorrow. Sorry, just had to get one last sarcastic comment in. Admit it. You were expecting it. So why the cigarette? It was next to this bottle of JD Spike forgot in my basement when he moved out. Too bad I don't own anything leather. Then I could be surrounded by the tastes and smells of the two people I loved most in this world.  
  
I suppose I should say something cliché like, "good bye, cruel world!" But I can't bring myself to leave on that ridiculous phrase. So, how about something simple. No need to be grand, after all. My words will only be heard by me. No one else around to hear, right? Well, here goes nothing.  
  
"I love you Spike!"  
  
  
  
End? 


End file.
